CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED

Hi, Carolyn: I can’t move past this. I have two teen daughters, and neither one of them has a good friend group. They don’t do any of the things I associate with “normal” teen stuff, like talking daily, planning hangouts, going shopping, to football games, dances. All my friends’ kids have that — it’s confirmed almost daily.

Both kids are aware they have “no friends.” I do believe they’re liked well enough, but also could end up eating lunch alone almost any day. They are good students, and they were kind, loyal friends when they did have them — back in elementary school. I find myself internally obsessing about whether I did something wrong here or if it’s just their quirky personalities.

I’m downplaying it a bit, but amid some Big Life stresses, I’ve found myself thinking about the multiple family members who’ve died by suicide. When did their depression start? I cannot sleep on those days. Do you have advice for me? — Angsty Parent

Dear Angsty Parent: If your daughters are showing signs of depression (information at nami.org), then I urge you to make appointments for them with their pediatrician with the end goal (it can take a while) of therapy for each. For you, too: You’ll want trained guidance on identifying and meeting the girls’ needs.

Your appointment is a good idea anyway, given your history, even if your girls are not

SET OF VALUES

depressed but merely solitary — plus, “internally obsessing” is worth addressing for everyone’s benefit. It rarely remains inside, and it won’t help your kids if your stress spills over on them.

The cause of their detachment notwithstanding, I urge you to center yourself with the understanding that a lot of people — a ton, a horde — simply do not connect with high school socially and feel no draw to shopping, ballgames and dances.

Like, massive numbers of people. Some find their alt-crowd, some power through their misery to graduation, some hear their own drummer just fine. Some siblings lean hard on each other. However they get there, your daughters could find themselves among friends or better friend candidates on the other side of high school.

Plus, if they’re a-okay with having lunch alone, then they will enter adult life with a resourcefulness few possess at their ages. A reader’s thought:

“I did not go to my senior prom or any other dances in high school. No one asked me, and the one guy I thought about asking had already asked someone else — as I learned through the grapevine. My parents never said boo to me about it, and I am so grateful to this day.”